Aftermath: Dark Artifices 2point1
by AlaskaExists
Summary: Dealing with the immediate aftermath of Lord of Shadows and how each character deals with the change in circumstance. Focused on emotion and angst, with some fluff thrown in to balance out all that sadness. I love writing Alec/Magnus so expect a good amount of them, despite their minor role in the series
1. Aftermath: Alec

Nothing felt real. Screams still echoed in Alec's ears, the sounds of pain and grief, the cries of children. The feel of his father's blood between his fingers, soaking through his shirt, his skin growing colder beneath his touch. He still couldn't believe it. How could this happen? It was a council meeting, how could such violence start, violence that ended lives?

As Alec had pulled away from his father, the scene before him became a blur of hate and confusion. The Cohort was screaming about Downworlders and how they were poison, screaming for the re-glorification of Shadowhunters. Alec vaguely thought how insane it was for them to be spouting hate when blood was being shed, but his mind didn't have time to process everything. He was going into autopilot mode. He pushed away from his father's body and reached for a knife at his belt, trying to gauge the situation. Emma and Julian seemed to be fighting off Annabel Blackthorn. Through the teeming crowd, Alec could catch flashes of the mortal sword in Annabel's hands, brandished as a weapon instead of a source for spoken truth. His blood ran cold, even from this distance he could see Annabel's crazed eyes. The eyes of someone mentally broken beyond repair.

He started forward, but everything happened too fast. Still, the moments seemed to suspend themselves in his mind, etching them there for eternity. Emma was crashing Cortona into the Mortal Sword, pushing Annabel against the wall and eventually shattering the weapon. Julian was approaching from behind, his sister, Livvy, throwing him a sword. Shouting, and then Annabel leaping through the air, a graceful arc, over Emma and Julian, to stab the broken sword into Livvy's heart. A thousand thoughts seem to run through Alec's mind at once. Olivia Blackthorn is only 15, and she has a twin, her family can't bear this, not after everything they've been through. An inhuman roar of grief echoed through the hall. Julian.

Alec watched numbly as Julian crawled over to his sister's body. Shakily trying to heal her with an iratze. He could tell by the desperation and pain on Julian's face that it wasn't working. Sobbing and screaming filled his ears. He sees Emma kill Annabel with Cortana, but nothing feels over yet. The hall is still in chaos. Alec backs himself up against the wall, trying to process it all. He sees Dru on the ground sobbing, Ty, Livvy's twin collapsed with Mark leaning over him, shoulders shaking. Helen was trying to fight the crowd to get to Mark and Ty. Emma still high on the battle, not processing everything just yet.

Through all this, the Cohort is still screaming hate. Attempting to use the chaos to further their agenda. It sickens him, but his eyes fall back to his father's lifeless body, and a part of him breaks. He can't hear anything; his fingers feel numb. Jia tries to calm everyone, yelling over the crowd, attempting to get everyone to help those who have sustained injuries. Her eyes fall on Livvy, and the sadness in her eyes seems to age her in the moment. Julian starts to yell when someone tries to separate him from his sister's body. Alec sees himself in Julian then, the swarming grief and guilt, and knows that Julian will always blame himself for Livvy's death, just as he has done with Max's.

The rawness of the moment brought back the pain of losing Max, and the blood and death in the hall remind him of the Dark War. A sharp pain shoots through his head causing him to shut his eyes. When he opens them, everything is covered blood. The floor is slippery with it, his hands coated. He can feel the walls shaking as hundreds of Shadowhunter's move about. Someone comes towards him, their face blank and sinister. An Endarkened. Alec glances around the room to see that all the familiar faces in the chamber are tainted. Turned by the Infernal cup into something evil and wrong.

His hand tightened on the knife, but the blood made it slippery, and it clattered from his grasp sliding away. His body felt like stone, but he knew he needed to fight. He tried to reach for the blade, but the sight in front of him stops him cold. His father split open and bleeding on the ground, turns his head toward him. His eyes vacant and cold, rolling in his head, as he claws at the ground savagely trying to get to Alec. Alec's heart seemed to stop in his chest, blood freezing in his veins, lungs unable to expand. A guttural noise erupted from his father's slack mouth, and Alec had a sense of complete certainty that his father will be the one to kill him.

He stared waiting, unable to move when someone slaps him across the face hard. The blow has him seeing stars, but as he blinks them away, reality sets back into place. He shakes his head slightly, blinking rapidly. The hall comes back into view, not drenched in blood, no Endarkened in sight. It's been a long time since the trauma from the Dark War has haunted him so viscerally. He looks at his father, terror still fresh in his veins, but Richard Lightwood's body is just that. A body, lifeless, his blue eyes, so much like Alec's have been closed, and he looks almost peaceful. Someone grabs his shoulder and shakes him, catching his attention.

Aline was standing over him, her face pale and strained. "Alexander," her voice seemed far away. "You need to go to Magnus now. You need to leave Idris as soon as you can." At first, Alec couldn't process the words, but Magnus's name and Aline's firm grip on his shoulder brought him back to himself. He can hear the shouts around the room, the cries against warlocks and other Downworlders. He can feel the tension like a string pulled taut, waiting for a reason to snap, ready to lash anyone that gets close. Magnus isn't safe here, and he was unconscious and nearly unprotected in a guest bedroom.

Alec jumped to his feet, ready to dash out of the room to Magnus, but still, he hesitated. Some other Shadowhunter's were already preparing to move his father's body. Though he was unsure of what to do, Alec stepped forward hand reaching out as if to touch his dad's arm, but the Consul stopped him. "There will be time later," Jia said, her voice heavy yet commanding. "Right now you need to go to your love."

Resolve settled in Alec's bones, straightening his spine. He nodded to Jia and slipped from the hall unnoticed, racing towards Magnus's room.


	2. Aftermath: Alec (Cont)

Alec burst into Magnus's room, nearly knocking the door of the hinges, surely leaving a dent in the wall. Magnus was still sleeping peacefully, sprawled on the couch, unmoving even after the noise. Alec's legs almost collapsed in relief at the sight of his boyfriend, unharmed and resting. Kit stood frozen in the corner, questions blazing in his eyes. "Kieran-" Kit started, but Alec cut him off with a raise of his hand. "I don't need to know, and I don't want to know. Go to the hall; the Blackthorns need you." Alec said, knowing that Kit had become a part of the Blackthorn family despite the short amount of time he had stayed with them. He could see it in the way they interacted, feel it when he was near them. Their love and friendship for each other, something they were going to need a lot of to get through this.

Kit's eyes widened, and he took off at a sprint. Alec wasn't sure if he knew where he was going, this being his first time in Idris and the Gard, but he didn't care at this point, all that mattered was Magnus and getting home to his family. He'd have to tell them what happened. His heart lurched at the thought, but he shoved it down. Now he needed to concentrate on Magnus, only Magnus. Alec turned to shut and lock the doors of the bedroom, not that that would do much, but he felt better knowing someone couldn't just walk right in. Alec walked over to Magnus, kneeling at his side. He gently stroked Magnus's face pushing away stray hairs, running his thumb lightly over the dark circles under Magnus's eyes. He had seen him like this too often recently, it made him seem shockingly mortal, and scared Alec more than he would ever admit out loud. With the Clave falling apart, Alec could sense with an absolute dread that something bad was coming. Something that could destroy everything he had ever known. It sent a chill down his spine, and he reached for Magnus's hand gripping it tightly in his own before bringing Magnus's slender fingers to his lips and kissing them. He didn't know what he would do without him.

Magnus stirred in his sleep, stretching awkwardly against the couch a slight wince creasing his brow. Alec glanced over at the bed, plenty big enough for both of them to lay comfortably. Alec cleared his mind, willed his hands to stop shaking, added a locking rune to the door and gently lifted Mangus off the couch, cradling his body against his own before setting him on the bed. He knew that they needed to get out of here, but he couldn't move Magnus like this. Even in the chaos, he doubted he could carry Magnus out of the hall and outside the wards to a portal, which would have to be created by someone. Magnus was the one with warlock connections, and Alec wasn't sure who he'd ask that would be willing to create a portal within Shadowhunter territory. The Cold Peace and new laws had damaged the trust between Downworlder's and Shadowhunter's, making it highly unlikely anyone would be willing to risk the wrath of the Clave to help out.

Alec sighed and stared at his boyfriend. He couldn't help but envy Magnus's secure peace, the bliss of sleep and not knowing what had transpired in the last hour, but Alec dreaded the moment he had to explain. Though Alec was too wound up to sleep, he climbed into the bed beside Magnus, conforming is body against the warlock's side, and rhythmically running his fingers up and down Magnus's slender chest, his arms, through his hair. Using the touch to soothe himself as much as Magnus. He let his mind drift, half succumbing to the shock pulsing through him, letting the numbness take him. _Just until Magnus wakes up_ , he told himself. _Then I will come back to myself_.


	3. Aftermath: Kit

The Gard was a confusing labyrinth of rooms and hallways, but Kit had somehow managed to find his way to the Consul Hall. To be fair, his journey was made easier by the shouts echoing through the Gard and the chaos as more Shadowhunters made their way toward the scene. Kit paused at the doors to the Hall, trying to take to make sense of what he was seeing. There were Shadowhunter's everywhere, shouting to or at each other while other's begin the process of filing people out. Kit had the sense that order was being restored and that someone must have control over the situation, but it still seemed like anarchy to him. He thought of the look on Alec's face when he had told him the Blackthorn's needed him and cold terror slid down his spine as he tried to locate them in the crowd.

The first thing he noticed was a large body covered and hauled away, blood staining the floor underneath it. Alec's dad, he thought, and his stomach rolled. He forced his eyes away and toward the stands, looking in the section where the Blackthorns had been sitting. Mark's pale hair was the first thing he noticed, standing out brightly against the non-faerie Shadowhunters. Pushing his way through the slowly gaping and retreating hunters, he began to make his way towards Mark, dread curling in his stomach with each step. Let them all be okay, Kit pleaded. Just let them be alright. As Kit got closer he could see Mark was kneeling over something or someone, Helen had a hand on her brother's shaking shoulders as they both tended to something on the ground. Kit stood on one of the benched, focused solely on Mark and Helen, and he could just make out Ty's dark hair, the outline of him doubled over on the ground.

Every thought flew from Kit's mind, his only objective to get to Ty, to protect him from whatever it was he was feeling. Kit climbed across the bench seats, pushed past anyone in his way, and found himself kneeling in front of Ty, his back to the dais. Ty was doubled over, hands clutching at his chest, his body racked with tremors so violent it seems as though jolts of electricity were flowing through him. "Ty! What's going on?!" Kit could barely get the words through the terror rising in his throat. He looked to Mark first for an explanation, and his heart stopped at the sight of him. Tears were streaming down Mark's face, his breath gasping out of him as he openly sobbed, his hand on Ty's back as he tried to comfort him. Kit looked toward Helen, hoping for an explanation, but she seemed to be in a similar state as Mark. Her eyes were wide with shock, tears streaming down her face.

Kit's world closed in until all he could see was Ty, he clutched at Ty's shoulder's, desperately needing to see him. To see if his face, see if he was injured, to try to figure out what he needed. Kit desperately wanted to take whatever was hurting him away. "Please, Ty, someone, tell me what's-"

"NO! I WON'T LEAVE HER! LET ME GO!"

The hairs on the back of Kit's neck rose, his shoulders hunching as the voice sent chills through his body. It was a voice he recognized, but he had never heard it as anything but calm and controlled. However, now it sounded raw with pain and anger like the words were being ripped from the person's chest with hooks. He didn't want to look, but he found himself slowly turning, the world moving in slow motion. His eyes found Julian first, Emma and some other Shadowhunter's arms around, pulling him back as he struggled forward. He looked nothing like the calm and in control Julian Kit had grown to know. His blue-green eyes were wild in his pale face, tears streaked down his cheeks, his jaw clenched and muscles bulging as he tried to break away. He was completely covered in blood. It had soaked through his shirt, his pants, onto his shoes, streaks on his face and in his hair.

Kit followed the line of Julian's eyes to the ground, where the crowd was slowly parting. Time froze. Kit's heart stopped, his breath catching in his chest. Livvy was on the floor; her skin looked gray in the hall's lights, her eyes closed, her face seemingly peaceful. Except there was a jagged, broken sword sticking out of her chest and blood pooling around her. So much blood. It had soaked through her clothes, her shoes, spreading in a scarlet puddle around her, mixing with a strange black liquid seeping from the broken sword. He knew that no one who had lost that much blood could be still alive.

"Livia! Please, baby. Open your eyes. I'm here. Please. Please." Julian's voice was nearly unrecognizable as he begged his younger sister to live. The other Shadowhunter's had released him, and only Emma was holding him up. He turned to her frantically whispering something that Kit couldn't make out. Emma's eyes widened, a deep sorrow seemed to settle over her as she shook her head. Julian lashed out then, pulling away from her and reaching for the stele he must have dropped near his sister. Kit watched as with shaking hands, Julian tried to draw runes on Livvy's skin, even from his vantage point in the aisles he could see that the marks vanished as soon as they were drawn.

"EMMA! Emma, please help me. Help," Julian's voice faded to a pleading whisper as Emma wrapped her arms around him, taking the stele from his hand and pulling him away so that others could come in and examine Olivia's body. Kit suddenly had the image of Livvy standing in front of him, asking him to kiss her. The feel of her soft lips against his, his hands tangling in her, taking in the lean curves of her body. Then Livvy, grasping Ty's hands after he walked through the Shadow Market without his headphones, grounding him. Livvy standing over him as she woke him up in the middle of the night to spy on Zara, handing him his first set of Shadowhunter gear. There was no way Livvy was dead. No way to reconcile the truth in front of his eyes with the memory of her alive only minutes before.

This will destroy Ty. Kit was surprised at the thought. At how he could think of anything through this horror, but the moment he thought of Ty his only instinct was to protect him from this. He pulled his eyes from the gruesome scene and returned his attention to Ty. Ty's skin was the color of ashes, and the tremors seemed to have stopped, giving way to unconsciousness. Kit forced himself to look at Ty, really look at him. He was so afraid that he'd find a similar wound on Ty, like whatever happened to his twin automatically transferred to him. He gently nudged Ty's shoulder and breathed out in relief when he didn't see any signs of blood or a wound on the boy's chest.

"We need to get him to the infirmary," Mark said, his voice rough. Kit wasn't sure who he was speaking too, as he didn't look away from Ty, but he understood what Mark was trying to say. Ty needed to be away from here before he woke up, if he hadn't seen what had happened, he absolutely would be able to see now. Kit turned to look at Helen and for the first time noticed Dru was by her side, sobbing against her. Kit felt like his world was coming unraveled with the Blackthorns.

"What…What happened?" Kit managed to get the words out through the lump in his throat.

"Annabel…" Helen responded. Her voice sounded distant. "They made her stand trial with the Mortal Sword. It broke her."

Kit nodded, but he wasn't sure exactly what that meant. Ty had told him about the Mortal Sword and how trials and council meetings went, but none of the information he knew seemed to match up with two people dying.

The chaos in the Hall was calming down as people were forced out and sent away. Robert Lightwood's body had been cleared away, and people were already cleaning up the floor. Kit forced himself to focus. He needed to get Ty out of here and if he took a few Blackthorns with him all the better. It was only a matter of time before some adults tried to shoo them away like their world hadn't just been devastated. Kit straightened himself and gripped Mark's shoulders, shaking him gently until he met Kit's eyes. "We need to move."

It took a moment, but eventually Kit saw Mark's eyes brightened for a moment, going into the untouchable battle-hardened place Shadowhunter's seemed to be able to access. Mark scooped up Ty in his arms, pulling him close and angling his younger brother so that his head was resting in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Mark was trying to protect Ty from seeing any more if he woke up, though that seemed unlikely. Ty was completely limp in his older brother's arm, his head lolling to one side, his arms hanging down uselessly. Someone was telling them to move, to clear out the Hall. Helen helped Dru up, and they both walked shakily behind Mark, who seemed to be on autopilot, walking briskly towards what Kit supposed was the infirmary. As they exited the Hall, wordless howls of grief followed them, the sound of Julian's pain haunting them. No one looked back.


	4. Aftermath: Magnus

Magnus woke up slowly, suppressing a groan as tried to stretch his limbs. Every part of him felt heavy like weights had been tied to his arms and legs, pinning him down. He opened his eyes, blinking sleep from them, and glanced around the room. Confusion and exhaustion clouded his mind; he didn't know where he was, he couldn't even remember how he got here, wherever that may be. He could feel the softness of the bed underneath him, the warmth of the blanket that someone must have pulled over him.

His memory came back in a flash that had him struggling to sit up in the bed. The meeting. He was supposed to be at the meeting, helping Annabel, helping Kieran, helping the Blackthorns, stopping the Cohort. So many things were riding on him, and the last thing he remembered was waiting in a small room with Kieran and Annabel, Jia and Richard saying something about the Cohort and Downworlders and Annabel's testimony. He needed to get to that meeting. Hopefully, it wasn't too late.

Magnus had pulled himself into a half sitting position, but the quick movement caused his head to spin, something that was happening far too often these days, and he began to sink back down on the bed. Before he could try again, he felt a gentle hand on his chest and became aware of Alec's presence. It was a testament to his exhaustion and confusion that he hadn't felt Alec's nearness sooner.

"Magnus, calm down," Alec's voice was soft, and the warlock relaxed fractionally. "Don't try to move just yet."

Magnus let himself sink back down onto the bed, finding a sense of comfort in Alec's closeness. "But the meeting, I need-"

"It's over," Alec's said, voice emotionless. The lack of anything in Alec's voice sent chills down Magnus's spine. He had only heard Alec like that a handful of times, none of which were good, something was horribly wrong.

For the first time since waking, Magnus turned to look directly at Alec. Alec's blue eyes are wide and unseeing in his pale face. The warlock's breath caught in his chest and before he can find his voice Alec's bright eyes focus on him. "How are you feeling? They said you hit your head pretty hard when you fell." Alec leaned over and kissed a tender spot on the warlock's temple. Pain radiated from the area and Magnus became aware of the throbbing in his head. It was nothing that wouldn't heal though. It would have already if he his magic hadn't been strange as of late.

"I'm alright, Alexander," Magnus said, pushing himself slowly into a sitting position, using the headboard for support. "Now tell me what happened at the meeting."

Alec slowly pulled himself up until he was sitting level with Magnus. The quiet shock surrounding the Shadowhunter was terrifying the warlock, but he was too afraid to push. Part of him didn't want to know. He wanted just to curl up next to his boyfriend and fall back asleep, ignoring the rest of the world. Unfortunately, that wasn't a choice, no matter how exhausted he felt. Alec turned to face him, and Magnus turned to put his hands on the boy's shoulders. Trying to ground the Shadowhunter as much as himself. Alec's eyes widened fractionally at the touch, and Magnus saw the moment the world came crashing back to him.

Alec's breath hitched, and then he started talking all at once, his words tripping over each other, "We need to go. The Cohort. It isn't safe for us here. But I have to come back after I-"

"Slow down, Alexander," Magnus's voice was firm, and he tightened his grip on the boy's shoulders. Alec glanced away and took a breath as if to continue, but Magnus's hand against his face silenced him. The warlock made the Shadowhunter look at him, made him focus on his eyes. "Come back to me, Alexander. Come back and talk to me."

The little bit of color in Alec's face drained. "My father is dead."

The words hung between them like a physical thing. Alec stared at Magnus, a statue of restrained grief and shock. Magnus stopped breathing, his mind refusing to process how that could be possible. What could have happened during the few hours he'd been asleep?

"How?" was the only word he could manage.

"Annabel killed him and…" Alec took a deep breath, preparing himself to say the next words. "And she killed Olivia Blackthorn before Emma stopped her with Cortana."

No, Magnus thought. This can't be right. I must still be asleep.

But this wasn't a nightmare. This was real. He listened in stunned silence as Alec mechanically explained what had happened. The use of the Mortal Sword on Annabel, the breaking of her mind as the Cohort and their followers, threw stuff at her from the crowd. How Robert had tried to help, taking the painful sword from her, but it was too late. Alec had come in then, seeing his father bleeding out on the floor of the hall, the Mortal Sword shattering against Cortana, Annabel leaping and running the broken half through Livvy, killing her instantly.

"The Cohort is riled up now; they're out for blood. Any decision over institute and Clave control has been postponed for the time being, but it won't last long. Magnus…you wouldn't believe the things they were saying. It's not safe for us here."

Alec's words trailed off, and the warlock could see how much it pained him to admit that his homeland was rejecting him and all that he loved. Magnus couldn't help but think that this wouldn't have happened if he was there. He promised Annabel that he'd be with her during her testimony. If he had been there, he could have stopped the bloodshed. Robert Lightwood and Olivia Blackthorn would still be alive. His mind caught on Olivia as the Blackthorns flashed through his mind. He didn't know how they would get through this. They had already lost so much so young, how could they ever expect to cope with a tragedy of this magnitude?

"This isn't your fault, Magnus." Alec's voice brought Magnus back to himself.

"If I had been there, I could have-"

"No, there's nothing that could have been done. You didn't hear the way the Cohort screamed. The strength of their hate. Honestly, I'm selfishly thankful you weren't there. If you had been, you might be the one…"

Alec's voice trailed off, and Magnus could feel the boy shaking. The warlock pulled him in close, tightening his arms around him. Alec's whole body seemed to sigh, and the Shadowhunter relaxed against Magnus, burying his face against the warlock's shoulder. Magnus ran his hand rhythmically up and down Alec's back, feeling the tense muscles there.

"Do you know anyone who would be willing to portal us to back home?" Alec murmured against Magnus's shoulder, keeping his arms locked around him.

"I should be able to get us there," Magnus started. " I might just need-"

"No, Magnus." Alec's voice was firm, and the Shadowhunter pulled away slightly, his blue eyes hard and unyielding. "You're still exhausted. I won't let you risk your health any more than you already have. Someone else can do it. Besides, I'll have to come back for the funeral…"

"Alexander, I know my limits, and I can do this. I can at least help you get your family here."

"I don't believe you know your limits because you're not used to having any. I suppose getting my family here would make more sense, but…" Alec's voice trailed off, and he glanced away from Magnus.

"Alexander."

Alec huffed at the command in Magnus's voice, but he met the warlock's eyes again. "But I'm afraid for us here. For you and Max. I don't think any of us should be here if we can help it. Not that there's always much choice."

"I've seen this kind of hate and mistrust before. It is dangerous, but I can take care of myself. I won't leave you, and I'm needed here. Someone has to speak for Downworlders."

"Can you maybe just think about staying home with Rafe and Max until this all passes?"

Magnus laughed softly at the teasing in Alec's voice, but he acknowledged the hope and pleading underneath the words. "I promise I'll think about."

He was rewarded with a small smile from Alec, making his heart feel a bit lighter. The warlock closed the remaining space between them, gently pressing his lips against Alec's. The kiss started slow and sweet but quickly transformed into something more. Despite Alec's Shadowhunter training, which praised never feeling emotions, Alec had always had an open heart. There was a vulnerability lingering just below the surface, something he could never really hide, especially not from Magnus. Magnus could feel the pain and grief flowing from Alec, the shock of the sudden events, the worry and fear of the future.

Alec deepened the kiss and angled himself so that he was straddling Magnus, pushing him up against the headboard. There was a desperate edge to the kiss, to the way Alec's body was moving against him. The warlock didn't try to slow him down, knowing the boy needed this, though in truth so did Magnus. The feel of Alec, real and robust against him, tracing the lines of his face, his shoulders, and down his chest, momentarily pushed back the lingering exhaustion.

This was what was right in the world. Magnus and Alec together, the love between them. The trust in the way they touched each other, their differences melting between them until it seemed strange that they were believed to be different at all. Lines like shadowhunter and downworlder, warlock and Nephilim, didn't matter because they didn't exist. If only the rest of the world could feel this, could see the love between them, the similarities outweighing any imagined difference.

Magnus tangled his hands in Alec's hair as they kissed, the silky strands slid through his fingers as he ran his hands down Alec's back, feeling the muscles flex beneath his fingertips. Everything seemed distant to the warlock, like the world was out of focus, all his senses dulled and twisted. He vaguely wondered if it was possible for him to get a concussion. Alec pulled back slightly and put his hand against Magnus's cheek. It took a few seconds before Magnus could focus on his boyfriend's blue eyes.

"You're not okay," Alec murmured, leaving no room for rebuttals. "Tell me how you feel, how you really feel so that I can help."

Magnus sighed. He knew better than to try to lie to downplay anything with Alec when he used that tone. The shadow hunter would see right through him if he tried and it would end upsetting them both. So with a deep breath, Magnus attempted to describe his condition, "I just feel a bit woozy is all. Like all my senses are blurry, not just my sight. It's just the exhaustion, Alexander; it's only made worse by whatever is happening with my magic. It will pass quickly enough."

Alec's brow was pinched with concern as he stared intently into Magnus's eyes. A moment passed before Alec nodded slightly and pressed his lips gently to the warlocks for a brief moment. When the boy pulled back his face was set with determination.

"Lay back down; you shouldn't be sitting up too much if you're dizzy," Alec commanded as he removed himself from atop Magnus. The absence of his weight and warmth sent a small shiver down the warlock's spine, and he almost asked Alec to come back. However, before he could even form the words, Alec was off the bed and pouring a large glass of water from a pitcher near the couch.

Magnus recognized the set to Alec's shoulders. The tension in him buried as he threw himself into an immediate task he could manage. There would be no reasoning with the Shadowhunter now, and even if Magnus felt it wasn't necessary for Alec to take care of him, he would let it be for the moment. Alec needs this, he told himself. It doesn't hurt to let him have a few more moments of distraction before he has to deal with everything, he thought, almost convincing himself that this was the only reason he accepted the glass of water from Alec and let him help him lay back down. The warlock didn't let himself think about how sick he felt, how maybe he did need help to recover, but most of all he didn't want to admit that he wanted to put off dealing with reality as much as Alec.


	5. Aftermath: Julian

His world had been reduced to a single pinpoint. His vision tunneled, the sound his heartbeat drowned out the chaos around him. Everything he was and ever would be was cradled in his lap. His sister, his baby, Livvy. Julian could feel her blood soaking through his clothes. There was so much blood. He wondered how there could be this much blood when the broken sliver of a sword was still protruding out of his baby sister's chest. He had enough sense to let it be, knowing pulling it out would be worse than leaving it in. He hastily drew iratze on Livvy's arm, whispering to her like he did when she was a small child. "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm here; I got you. Open your eyes for me, baby. Please. I'm here. Please."

The runes were disappearing as soon as he drew them. He refused to acknowledge what that meant. Blood was soaking Livvy's body and pooling around her. Julian's clothes were sticking to him, soaked through with her blood, now cooling against his skin. Fear was like a cold knife through his heart.

"I can save you. You're going to be okay, I promise. Darling, I can't do this without you. I need you. We need you…please…by the angel, please. Not my baby."

A strange sense of detachment started to slide across Julian's consciousness. Everything felt far away; he could barely hear the sound of his voice as he murmured to his sister. Her skin looked so pale, she was so still, but she looked peaceful. Like she was sleeping. Sleeping, in a puddle of blood, sleeping with a knife in her chest, the black liquid sliding down from the broken steel into her heart.

Julian distantly heard a yell of grief, a wordless howl of pain and disbelief. It took hearing it a few more times to realize it was his voice. His pain was echoing back to him from somewhere far away.

Someone knocking into his back brought him back to the moment. All the sound came rushing back, shouts and chaos, too many voices to make out anyone in particular. He still couldn't pull his gaze from Livvy, but a familiar hand on his shoulder caught his attention. Emma. Even without looking he knew it was her. Could feel his parabatai's strength flowing into him. He attempted to draw another iratze on Livvy's skin. The mark started vanishing before he could even complete it.

"It's over, Jules. Annabel is gone. It's done, Jules." Emma's voice was right against his ear, soft and sad.

Emma. His parabatai, his love. Emma. Julian's mind began to race, and he whipped his gaze away from Livvy. He turned and grabbed Emma so fast that he almost knocked her over. She was on her knees next to him, and her startled face filled his vision as his hands fisted in her shirt. "Emma. Emma, we can save her! Our bond, our power. If you stay next to me, keep your hands on me. We can draw the rune together. That's how you saved me. It will work! It has too. Emma, it has too…"

The hope that bloomed in Julian's chest at the thought was almost as painful as the grief. He knew he sounded unhinged and that he was scaring Emma, who was staring at him wide-eyed. He waited for her to answer. To give him her usual determined look and be on his side, but that wasn't what happened. Her shock turned to a profound kind of sadness, and she looked at him with sympathetic eyes. She shook her head, "Jules we can't. It's not right, and we could lose control."

Julian's mind blanked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. This must be a dream. Emma would never… This wasn't his Emma. Emma put her hands over Julian's that were white-knuckling her shirt. They felt warm, and he could feel the pressure as she squeezed, the rough calluses from training and climbing. They were her hands. She put a hand on his face, and he suddenly realized she was talking. "…can't. Besides, Jules, it's too late."

Emma's voice was choked, but the words were clear nonetheless. The hope that had bloomed in his chest began collapsing, and he felt his sanity slipping with it. "NO! Emma how could you say that! You saved me before. We can save her now! Why won't you even try?! Emma, please. Don't you care about us at all?!"

At some point during the rant, Julian had started shaking Emma. His hands were grasping her shoulders tightly, weakly pushing her away and pulling her back. Emma stayed quiet, staring at Jules with such deep grief and empathy that it threatened to consume him. He felt like he was on the edge of a black hole. Teetering, waiting for his exhausted body to give out, waiting for him to give in to his overwhelming emotions. He was distantly aware of the tears streaming down his face. The tracks they had left, but he couldn't feel them, and he didn't care. He would get control of this situation, just like he always did. Had always done.

Emma's eyes glanced away for a split second to focus on something just beyond him. Livvy. Julian whipped around, almost expecting to see Livvy awake, but instead saw members of the clave closing in on her body. Their faces distant and mournful, saying more than words. They weren't coming to help, to save his sister, they were looking at her like she was only a body. He could see the funeral in their eyes, and it pushed him over the edge. "Stay back!" he yelled, blinding grasping for a weapon that he didn't have. Instead, he pulled Livvy back into his lap and lashed out at anyone who dared come near. Her body was growing cold. He lunged for the stele he had dropped and begin drawing runes again. Hoping that Emma was near enough for their bond to impact the rune's power. Again, the mark disappeared like it hadn't been there in the first place.

The Shadowhunter's were getting closer. He couldn't understand what they were saying, but he knew what they wanted. He only had a few moments left before they took her from him. Before they put words to this nightmare and made it real. Desperate, he turned to look at Emma. "EMMA! Emma, please help me. Help," Julian's voice faded to a pleading whisper as Emma wrapped her arms around him. He felt her gently pry the stele away from him. "Jules, you have to let them see her."

He could hear tears in Emma's voice, but her arms felt strong around him. Her voice was firm and quiet in his ears and the only thing that anchored him in all the chaos. "Jules, love, let them help."

Julian allowed himself to be lifted slightly, his weight mostly on Emma as they stumbled a few feet away before collapsing to the floor again. He heard the Clave members close around his sister's body. Emma tried to keep Julian's head pressed against her, tried to protect him from seeing and hearing anything more, but he found himself listening intently anyway.

"She's gone," a deep male voice said. Julian's heart stopped, but the voices didn't. "So young…a tragedy…could have been prevented…dead…dead…Dead…"

Julian shattered.

Emma's arms tightened around him, but he could hardly feel her. His mind was in overload, his grief and shock so strong that it broke through him without cognition. His breath was coming in quick pants, and he was sobbing so hard that no sound came out. His whole body was shaking, racked with tremors that were almost painful. He wrapped his arms around his chest trying to hold himself together as he buried his face against Emma. His baby sister was dead…he had failed her…failed all his sibling in the worst way possible. He didn't know how to get through this.

A numbness began to spread through his body, his hands and feet felt tingly. He turned his face away from Emma and took in the scene around him. A few Shadowhunters were getting ready to move Livia's body. He wanted to run, to throw himself at them. They were prodding the sword in her chest, and his whole body froze with horror, thinking he would have to watch them pull it out. Instead, they began to cover her, getting her body ready to lift.

 _No, stop, you have to help her first. You have to try to save her. She can't be dead yet._

His throat felt swollen and raw, and he couldn't get the words out. Couldn't get his body to move to stop them. He was useless. Just as useless as he'd been when Annabel flew over him to attack his baby sister. Everything in him felt spent. His vision started to swim, black spots closing in as stared at Livvy's lifeless face. He didn't know how he thought she was sleeping before. Everything that made her herself, everything that made her alive, was gone. This time he was aware of the noises he was making, but he couldn't stop himself. The pain was erupting from him in wordless howls of grief until his vision went black and he mercifully slipped into unconsciousness.


	6. Mark Helps Julian in the aftermath

Mark and Emma had a half-conscious Julian slung between them, one of his arms held over their shoulders as they supported his weight. They were practically dragging him down the hall as he stumbled along with them, but neither of them could carry his full weight, and they didn't trust anyone around him but for themselves. Mark had left Ty in the infirmary in Helen and Kit's care to check on his brother. He found Julian pale and still in Emma's lap, in nearly the same place he had left them.

Emma was leaning over him, glaring at anyone who dared ask to help him to the infirmary. Mark saw Emma's eyes light with relief when she saw him, and he understood. Their circle of trust was small and getting smaller. Only Blackthorns and honorary Blackthorns could be trusted. Let no one else in, do not accept outside help. The secrets and lies felt like tiny weights in his brain. His faerie blood, in constant war with his Shadowhunter blood, wanting to force the words from his throat.

He swallowed hard and made his way over to Emma. Together they roused Julian enough to get him to stand and ended up with him lolling between them as they tried to get him to a private room in that Gard. Jia gave them directions to an empty room that Mark nodded to, though he was hardly sure what was said. Luckily the hallways were empty; everyone had run toward the chaos and tangled up in dealing with the aftermath.

Julian's head began to loll towards Mark, and he tightened his arm around his waist, murmuring to his brother to hold on just a bit longer. Mark didn't want to admit how much seeing Julian like this was scaring him. Since he had been back from Faerie, he had only seen Julian in control. The parent with all the answers, the big brother there to make everything better. He couldn't imagine how much pressure Julian was under, but he handled it so well. Much better than Mark thought he would have handled things. Even the thought of taking care of his younger siblings on his own sent chills through him, but Julian was always so strong. Always able to figure out how to make things better. Mark felt guilty and childish that he wished for that now. For Julian to magically make everything right, for Julian to comfort him.

Mark shook his head, pushing the thoughts away, willing his body to stop shaking and readjusting his grip on his brother, who was mumbling something as he stumbled forward. "Mark, I think we can use this room up here. On the right," Emma's voice was strained, and he could hear her panting breaths. He didn't know how long they had been walking, probably only about 10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Julian wasn't light and supporting him was taking its toll on both Mark and Emma.

Mark panted out his agreement, and they managed to push their way into a small guest room, nearly dropping Julian in the process. Emma helped lay Julian down on the floor and then did a quick search of the chamber, making sure nothing was waiting for them, and no one would be coming in. He wasn't sure if this was the room Jia had mentioned, but he didn't care as long as it offered some privacy.

"Can you…um…Can you help clean him up?" Emma stammered out, unable to look at Mark and Julian on the floor.

For a moment, Mark didn't know what Emma was talking about, but then he looked at his brother. Looked at him for the first time. He was covered in blood. His clothes from his chest down were dark with the drying liquid. Dark red-coated his arms and hands, splashes of the sickening color on his face and in his hair.

"I…" Mark started, his voice coming out rough. He cleared his throat and then started again, "I guess I can…I mean, yes. I think he needs to be a bit more awake though."

Emma nodded, though she still couldn't seem to look at either Julian or Mark. "There are towels in the bathroom, and the shower seems to work."

Mark began to respond but was interrupted as Julian slowly began to prop himself up. His eyes looked clearer, a little more focused. Mark stayed quiet as Julian held his temple with one hand, applying pressure. Thankfully, he didn't seem aware of the blood on his hands, and Mark didn't want to mention afraid it would push him too far.

"Jules…?" Mark spoke quietly, giving Julian time to adjust.

His brother removed his hand from his forehead and blinked a few times until his eyes focused on Mark.

"Mark?" Julian's voice sounded strange. Strained from crying and yelling, but something more than that. Mark felt like something was missing in it and the thought sent a bolt of fear down his spine. He straightened and did his best to seem unfazed.

"Yes," Mark replied. "How are you feeling?"

Julian stared blankly for a few moments, and Mark thought maybe he would be able to get Julian cleaned up and into bed without his brother having to relieve the horrible moment. Perhaps his mind would stay in self-defense mode for just long enough to get them through this time. However, neither of them had such luck. Mark saw the moment that reality crashed back down on Julian. His vacant eyes were going wide with agony, the pupil stealing away the sea green color as realization washed over him.

Julian started shaking, and Mark felt his own body trembling. "Julian…" Mark began, but he didn't know what to say.

Emma stepped over to the brothers then, putting her hands on Julian's shoulder and making him meet her eyes. "Jules, Mark is going to help you get cleaned up okay? I'll get you some clothes and check on everyone. Just stay with us began to? Answer me, Jules."

Mark could see Julian's jaw working as he forced out the word, "okay."

Emma nodded and then turned back to Mark, a detached determination filling her face. "Take care of him," Emma said, her voice hard.

"The others are in the infirmary."

"Find Tiberius. Tell him I'll be with him soon. Tell them all." Julian's voice startled both of them, though it was barely more than a whisper. He looked more like himself, and the change was startling, though he was still in no position to find his siblings. Mark couldn't place the look on Emma's face as she stared at Julian, something like wonder and relief and something unspoken. Emma's jaw set into its usual defiant position as she nodded to Julian and dashed from the room. It was so routine that Mark found himself stunned, but Julian seemed to have found his strength.

Julian pulled himself from the floor and slowly stood, holding onto the bed to gain his balance. Mark shot up to help Julian, pushing his feelings down as much as he could. He had to be strong for Jules right now, but he couldn't completely stop the trembling that sifted through his muscles. He helped Julian to the bathroom and activated the witchlight. The white glow filled the room, casting harsh shadows and causing both boys to squint. Mark hastily dimmed the light with a few touches, leaving just enough light to illuminate the small space.

The light bounced over Julian's face, and Mark was struck by how young Julian seemed. Since coming back from Faerie, he had to adjust to his siblings being significantly older than when he left them. It was a constant shock for him to see how much the twins had grown, how Dru how matured, how Tavvy wasn't a baby anymore, but Julian had been different. Instead of finding his brother as the child he left him as he found him as a man. Someone who seemed much more adult than Mark himself felt, and he realized at the moment that he still saw Julian that way. No longer a child like his siblings, possessing a maturity that went far beyond his age. Though right now Julian looked so young, standing frozen in the tiny space, his eyes sad and vacant, his body hanging defeated. Mark was struck by the fact that Julian was the same age now as he had been when he had been taken by the Wild Hunt. He looked so small and vulnerable, Mark wanted to wrap his arms around him, hold him and tell him it would be alright, but they had other issues to deal with first.

"Jules," Mark started, keeping his voice low. "We need to get you cleaned up. I'm going to undress you, okay?"

Julian's eyes scanned Mark's face as he nodded slightly. Mark reached out slowly to touch his brother's shoulder afraid that any movement would startle him. Julian didn't flinch away from Mark's touch, which Mark took as a promising sign, and began to slide off Julian's jacket. The jacket fell to the floor quickly, but getting Julian's shirt off was going to be more difficult. Julian was practically catatonic, and the blood had matted his clothes to his skin. Mark tried not to think of the blood as Livvy's. Instead, he recalled his times in the Wild Hunt with Kieran. Often they had stripped blood-soaked clothes off each other, before helping the other wash away the grime of a hunt. He told himself this was just another one of those times, as he pulled at Julian's shirt, lifting it over his head.

The shirt stuck to his skin and he could feel the pull as the bloated fabric tried to sink back down. The sensation seemed to wake Julian; his eyes went wide as Mark hastily pulled the cloth over his brother's head. It hadn't entirely, but Julian seemed to pale, even more, his face taking on a sickly tinge, as he pushed Mark aside and fell to his knees in front of the toilet, retching. For a stunned second, Mark could only watch, but quickly focused himself and knelt down next to his brother.

Julian was shaking so hard that he could barely hold himself over the toilet. Mark put his hand on his brother's back, rubbing circles against his skin, before sliding himself closer so he could support most of his brother's weight. Tears stung his eyes, and he could feel them slide silently down his face, but he paid them no mind. Right now his focus was on Julian, who continued to heave even after his stomach was empty. Mark tried his best to comfort his brother, but there wasn't much he could do besides support him and wait. Eventually, Julian's heaving stopped, and he entirely collapsed, exhausted, against Mark. Julian's whole body was racked with tremors and sweat dotted his overheated skin.

Taking a deep breath, Mark reached for a towel and gently removed himself from Jules, creating a pillow for his brother and placing it under his head. Despite Julian's exhaustion, he still had to get him clean and into fresh clothes. Mark turned on the shower and finished undressing Julian as the water warmed up, filling the space with steam. He roused his brother enough to get him to step into the water, where he immediately sat down and curled up, small and defeated. Mark steeled himself as he stepped into the water fully clothed and knelt down next to his younger brother, beginning to wash the traces of blood off his skin. The water ran red next to him, and he kept Julian looking up or away, so he wouldn't have to see. Mark worked on autopilot, his time in the Wild Hunt making him accustomed to washing another, and scrubbed Julian's skin and thoroughly rinsed his hair until all traces of blood was gone.

During the process, Julian had closed his eyes and varied between leaning against the wall or Mark's chest, letting his brother maneuver him however necessary. By the time Mark was finished his clothes were soaked through and heavy, weighing down his already exhausted limbs. The warm water and the calming motions of washing had drained the adrenaline-fueled energy from his body, and he felt like he could curl up in the bathtub and sleep. Julian's eyes were open but heavy-lidded, and Mark rallied his strength, wrapping his brother in a towel and helping him stand before practically lifting him over the rim of the tub.

Clothes for both of them were sitting just inside the door, and Mark gratefully grabbed them, changing his clothes quickly as Julian leaned against the sink. Mark dressed Julian like he had done when they were both much smaller and then led the vacant boy out of the bathroom and over to the bed. Julian collapsed on top of the covers and Mark fussed with adjusting him and pulling blankets over him until he was satisfied that his brother was as comfortable as he could make him. _I should check on the others_ , Mark thought wearily. He needed to find out what had happened to Kieran too, but his thoughts seem to drift away like aimless clouds. Everything felt fuzzy, and his body was overly warm and tired. He found himself climbing into the bed next to Julian without conscious thought. The moment he laid down, sleep pulled him down like an anchor. _I'll just relax for a little bit_. Unable to fight any longer, Mark let himself rest.


	7. Julian Tries to Keep Everything Together

Julian wasn't sure how much time had passed since the meeting. Days at least, but for all he knew it could've been weeks, months, years. He felt like he had aged six decades since that day. They were back in the LA Insitute, home for the Blackthorns, but right now it didn't feel like it. He wasn't sure if this was better or worse, being home was familiar, but being back without Livvy, that was torture. Her presence was everywhere, every room seemed to be filled with a piece of her waiting for her to return and Julian could barely stand it. He wanted to hide all her things, partly so he didn't have to look at them and be reminded, but he couldn't bring himself to touch them. Her shoes were still scattered through the house, a pair by the front hall, some in the kitchen, more in the training room. Clothes and various items left casually around common areas. It hurt worse than any physical pain he ever felt.

No one had come to take over the institute yet, according to Emma the decision had been postponed, but it was only a matter of time. Each day he was waiting for the rest of the ground to crumble underneath him. He already felt like he was sinking in quicksand, he didn't know how much longer he could go on like this. Emma put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. He hadn't even realized she was behind him, though that's how it had been in the aftermath of Livvy's death. Emma shadowing him, sympathy and grief pouring off her, her concern like a living thing at his back.

He couldn't remember how he had reacted in the Hall. His mind had blacked out, overcome with pain, grief, and his lack of control. This was something he couldn't fix. He remembered hands on him trying to separate him from Livvy's body. The blood-soaked in his clothes, matting them to his skin. Blood on his hands, smeared across his face and in his hair in desperation. He faintly remembered screaming, but after that things got fuzzy. The next image he had was Ty being carried out of the Hall, seemingly unconscious.

At that moment he thought he had lost them both and the pain knocked him flat, sagging in Emma's grip, the other Shadowhunter's having released him, as his body was headed toward the floor. Emma whispering or yelling, he couldn't be sure, that Tiberius was alright in his ear. He remembered seeing Kit, Helen, and Mark's stunned, tear-streaked faces through the crowd then blackness. The next thing he remembered was being in a small bathroom, likely somewhere in the Gard. Mark's tear-stained face filling his vision, helping him undress. Clothes were sticking to him with dried blood, the blood of his baby. Barely making it to the toilet to throw up, shaking so hard he could scarcely support himself. Mark holding him up as he retched long after his stomach had emptied.

Next thing he knew, Ty was screaming in his arms, wanting to go home. His real home in Los Angeles and Julian swore he would make it happen. He would've burned down the entire world if it had soothed even a fraction of his brother's pain. They had gotten to come home, but so far it hadn't been kind to them.

Now, Julian stood in the kitchen, mechanically making grilled cheese sandwiches that no one was going to eat. Hardly anyone had been eating, including Julian, though he continued to make food and shove it in front of siblings in an attempt to persuade them to at least try to eat. An earth-shattering scream of pain broke the silence, causing him to jump and burn the side of his hand on the stove. He swore, instinctually putting the burn to his mouth, and took off a sprint down the hall. He knew that sound, Tiberius. Ty had been in a constant state of meltdown since his sister's death, every sound or touch or sensation setting him over the edge. He hadn't been able to hold anything down, not even water, and Julian felt as though he was in a constant state of panic over him. Words only erupted from like they were pulled from deep within his chest, coming out in these raw and primal screams. The sound came again, but this time Julian could hear his name, and it felt like someone had reached into his chest and was slowly scratching and tearing away at his beating heart.

He burst into the library, almost knocking Kit over, who seemed to be in the process of coming to get him as he relaxed fractionally upon seeing Julian. Mark was in the room, standing over Ty, looking lost as to whether to touch him or not. Julian fell to his knees next to his brother and pulled him in tight. Ty was rocking and shaking in his arms, making it hard to keep him close, but Julian was used to Ty's movements from when he was just a small child, overwhelmed by the world, and had gotten skilled at matching them. Ty screamed Julian's name again, the word raw and painful sounding.

"PLEASE JULIAN, PLEASE. MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE. WHY? WHY? WHY?"

Ty had his headphones on and his hands pressed against them, trying to block out a sound that didn't exist. Julian desperately wished he had headphones as well, he felt like slamming his palms against his ears and curling up in the corner. His younger brother's screams seemed to tear holes in his brain, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could stand it. The strength of Ty's grief was so intense that it felt as it alone could crush him. But he couldn't do that, so he held the boy tight against him, telling him over and over again that he was here, all the while knowing Ty was inconsolable. It was just something that would have to pass, usually when Ty's body succumbed to exhaustion. Julian glanced around the room; Mark looked ready to be sick or pass out, so he quickly sent him out of the room to check on Tavvy. Ty's grief echoed through the institute like a magnetic bomb, setting off anything in its path, and the younger kids needed shielding from it as much as the older ones. Not that there was much reprieve for Julian, but he couldn't see any other way.

Helen excused herself by saying she'd check on Dru, though Julian hadn't even noticed her when he came in. Kit was the next to leave, unable to withstand the heaviness in the room. Emma sunk to the ground near the door, Julian briefly glanced at her and noticed her holding her ears. Ty was starting to hyperventilate against him, and Julian was trying to get Ty's attention, but the boy was doubled over on the floor, half on top of Julian's lap. Ty was still yelling between breaths, sometimes an incoherent scream, a sound of pure grief and rage and confusion, and sometimes words. Julian couldn't decide which hurt worse. "JULIAN, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"

The words came out of Ty in a loud rush between shallow breaths. Julian stopped breathing, swore his heart had stopped beating.

"WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE HER, JULIAN? WHY? LIVVY, WHY? WHY?"

Julian vision started to tunnel, his arms loosening around Ty who was shaking and rocking so hard that his head accidentally collided with Julian's chin. The blow was hard enough to cause Julian to stagger backward, biting down hard on his tongue and lower lip, causing blood to flood his mouth and nearly choke him. His arms flew from around Ty to catch himself before he slammed into the floor. He could feel rather than hear Emma coming toward him, and waved her off without looking. The physical pain helped him concentrate, and he shut every other part of his mind down until he was just Big Brother/Dad Julian. The one who had control and could fix anything.

He spits blood onto the floor before nearly lunging for Ty, laying himself over his back so that Ty was pinned in place. He placed his arms on either side of him, fighting his way to wrap them around the smaller boy's chest, creating a vice around his brother's body. Julian kept his mouth right near the headphone, having learned the hard way what moving it even slightly would do. "TIBERIUS, LISTEN TO ME. I'M HERE. IT'S JULIAN. I'M HERE." Julian's voice was loud but firm and calm. He wasn't sure if it helped at all, but he continued to a steady mantra. Telling Ty he was there for him, that he wasn't going anywhere, that he could get through this moment of overwhelming sensation. His mind flashed to him saying nearly the same things over Livvy's dead body, and he had to tighten his grip, not because Ty needed him too, but because he needed something to ground him in this moment and this moment alone.

"I shouldn't have contacted Annabel; I shouldn't have sent a letter. Everything's wrong. Everything. It's too much. Too much noise, too many colors. It's like shards of glass in my chest, cutting into my brain. I can't do it, Julian. I can't. I can't. It's too much. No, I can't. I can't." The words came out of Ty in a rush of gasping breaths, so fast his words started to blur together, and it took Julian a second to figure out all he was saying.

"TY! Listen to me, feel me against you. It's not your fault, and you are strong enough to get through this. Just try and breath with me, focus on your body and nothing else. Nothing else matters right now. Alright? Nothing else, just breath."

Julian's tongue felt swollen and clumsy in his mouth, but he forced himself to talk clearly, swallowing blood. Jules took a deep breath against Ty's back, letting him feel the distinctive rise and fall. Ty gasped in a shallow breath, but it was progress. Julian continued to breathe deeply until Ty's breathing was almost normal and the boy had stopped rocking, his shaking subsiding to only tremors. It was only then that Julian slowly began to take some of his weight off his brother, carefully pulling back, making sure Ty was alright before fully releasing him.

It was in these slightly quieter moments that Julian wished he could apply some type of rune to his brother. Maybe something for calm or sleep at the least, but the once familiar sting of the stele was too much sensation for Ty to handle. When they had first come home, Julian had tried to put a calming rune on Ty which resulted in a similar meltdown, but involved much more punching and kicking. It had taken Kit, Helen, Mark, Emma, and Julian to secure Ty, pinning each one of his limbs, while Julian tried to keep him still long enough to draw. The rune had come out sloppy, and they all decided that it wasn't worth putting Ty or themselves through that again. Kit had gotten a black eye, and they were all sporting bruises and a few bite marks from the incident.

"Emma, can get us some water?" Julian whispered, afraid to move or breathe too loudly in case it set off Ty again. He couldn't do this again right now. He was sure he would shatter. Julian had been leaving pitchers of water around in the common areas in an attempt to get everyone to at least drink water. He had been putting bottled water in his sibling's rooms each time he walked in, hoping if they didn't have to get it themselves they would be more likely to drink it. Emma poured a cup of water from the pitcher and handed it to him. He could see she was shaking slightly, despite her attempt to hide it.

He cautiously put his hand on Ty's back, and when Ty didn't flinch away, he took that as a sign he could speak. "Ty, please drink something."

Ty shook his head, not looking up at his brother. He still hadn't uncurled himself from his face down position on the floor. "Ty, you need to at least drink something, or you'll get sick. Just a little bit of water. For me?"

Ty lifted his head up fractionally, looking sideways at his older brother. Julian stifled a gasp at Ty's red swollen eyes, the smudges of exhaustion ringing them were so dark it looked like he had been punched. Seeing Ty so pale and broken was like being burned over and over.

"Please," Julian begged, holding out the glass.

Ty slowly sat up, his movements stiff and jerky. He stared at Julian with vacant eyes, making no move to reach for the glass. Julian brought himself closer to his younger brother, recognizing the look of Ty's mental shutdown. His mind was protecting itself by evacuating his body. He hated that part of him was grateful for that.

Julian held the cup to Ty's cracked lips, which parted easily and Julian couldn't help but flashback to the days after his parent's death when he practically had to hand feed Ty whose mind couldn't process the sudden loss of their parents and older siblings. Julian gently tipped the cup up letting a small bit of water flow through Ty's dry lips, but the moment the water hit his throat Ty's eyes widened, and he pulled away to gag.

"I'm sorry, Jules. I'm sorry. I tried."

"Shhh, I know. I know. It's okay," Jules said, running his free hand through Ty's hair. But it wasn't okay at all. He wasn't sure when Ty had last drunk anything, and his cheeks were already hollowing from weight loss. Not eating was one thing, but if he couldn't even hold down water…

A hand on his shoulder distracted him from his thoughts. He gazed up, blinking away the blurriness of his vision to see Emma standing over him. She didn't say a word as she sat next to him and he subconsciously leaned into her, needing to feel her close to him, even if he couldn't find comfort in anything right now.

"Can you take me to Kit's room?" Ty murmured, his eyes already starting to drift shut and his body slouching.

"Of course, Ty," Julian said, getting shakily to his feet. Emma put her arm around Julian to steady him, though he tried to play it off. His body can't take much more of this either. Ty had been refusing to sleep in his room or anywhere near Livvy's room, so Julian had been letting him stay wherever he was comfortable. Sometimes it was in Kit's room; other times it was the library, the kitchen, or even the hallway. No one dared argue with him, and Julian didn't mind carrying Ty around like a small child if it helped fix any of this.

Julian lifted Ty up quickly in his arms, the younger boy hardly weighed anything, but he was surprised to feel a wave of dizziness overcome him, almost causing him to lose his footing. Emma was by his side in an instant, hands on his shoulders to steady him.

"Please, let me carry Ty this time, you need-"

"I'm fine, Emma," Julian snapped, his voice much harsher than intended, but the dizziness hadn't wholly receded, and he had never felt weaker or more exhausted in his life.

Emma's eyes widened fractionally, and he instantly regretted his words. "Sorry, but I got it," he said, trying to soothe the bite from his last words. Emma just nodded and jogged ahead of him, opening the doors so that he could easily maneuver the winding halls of the Institute with Ty. Kit was waiting by the door of his room when Emma and Julian arrived, and Julian placed an already sleeping Ty in Kit's bed. Julian felt his mind starting to slip, the adrenaline of before starting to fade, leaving him shaky and empty. He gently brushed the sweat-soaked hair from Ty's face before leaning down to kiss his little brother's forehead.

Julian turned to Kit, who couldn't take his eyes from Ty. "Come get me when he wakes up, but don't leave him alone for long." Julian's own voice sounded far away to him. Kit nodded, and his eyes shot up to meet Julian's for a fraction of a second, the only indication Julian had that he had spoken out loud.

He walked from the room and mechanically turned down the hallway, wondering if he should check on Tavvy or Dru, when Emma's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Um, Jules? Do you smell something burning?"

He hadn't noticed anything until Emma had spoken, causing his senses to snap back to him. He did smell something burning, and as he hurried down the hall, he noticed a fine stream of smoke coming from the kitchen. He had forgotten to turn off the burner.

Julian dashed toward the kitchen, Emma close behind, and removed the pan of half blackened grilled cheese from the burner, while Emma switched it off. Smoke clouded the kitchen, causing both of them to cough. Emma waved her hand in front of her trying to clear some of it away. "Well, I think that's enough excitement for one day." Emma's voice was full of forced airiness that Julian isn't able to match. A wave of nausea and dizziness hits him again, and this time he can't fight it back. He fell to his knees, his hand blindly reaching out to smack against the countertop, but it wasn't enough to keep him upright. He felt himself pitch forward until he's bracing himself on all fours.


	8. Julian Breaks DownEmma comforts him

"Jules!" Emma exclaimed, rushing to his side and sliding to her knees. She put her hand on his shoulder, shocked to feel the tremors lacing through his muscles. "Julian," Emma whispered, her voice tight. She leaned her head down, trying to meet Julian eyes. His sea green eyes are unfocused as his body starts to sag toward the floor. Anxiety tightened in Emma's chest. She didn't know what to do for him, knew there were no words or actions to fix this. Helplessness filled her, but she pulled Julian towards her anyway.

He hadn't let her hold him since the day his sister had died. Jules had been so busy with his siblings, especially Ty, that the most Emma he had allowed Emma to comfort him was a few touches here and there. Most the times he brushed her away, and though she understood it always stung. However, she continued to shadow him, supporting him silently and only breathing in those few moments where he would lean into her. She had been watching him for days, knew he wasn't sleeping, or taking care of himself at all. It was only a matter of time before his body physically couldn't handle anymore.

"I'm fine. I'm okay," Julian whispered, his words slurring together.

"I know, Jules. I know," Emma replied, gently guiding Julian to the floor, his head resting against in her lap. He didn't resist, though Emma felt he probably would have if he had the energy too. She rubbed his back as tremors continued to rack his body. His eyes fell closed, and his shaky arms found there way around her, pressing against her folded legs. Suddenly, Julian seemed so young, and her mind flashed back to when they were barely twelve. To the days after Julian had killed his father and his older siblings were sent away. To him, curled on the tile floor of the bathroom, shaking from nightmares and panic attacks, face pressed against Emma, hiding tears and muffling shaky sobs.

Honestly, she hadn't known what to do for Jules then. All she had done, all she could think to do, was to be there for him. To stay up all night and fall asleep on the cold tile floor next to him. Though Julian had told her, in sometimes not quite direct ways, that her presence during that time had helped him, she wasn't so sure. To her, it seemed that Julian had helped himself. Pulling himself up piece by piece, building something stronger, older, than his frail child-like frame. Molding himself into the man he had become, someone capable of raising children while he was one himself. Emma had always seen that in him. Always believed him infinitely intelligent, knew he would find a way.

But now she wasn't sure how he could recover from this. How any of them would be okay after this. The future was measured in minutes and seconds. Each one more painful than the last. Since coming back to the LA Institute, Julian hadn't given himself a second to grieve, and Emma allowed her concern for Julian to take her full focus, pushing back her loss. She hadn't been all that surprised that Julian had gone into parenting mode, she could tell he was on autopilot, grasping for the control he desperately needed. It was typical of him to put his family before himself, though her concern for him had been growing as she watched it wear him down, physically and mentally. She just wished that they could have some time alone. Julian needed some time away from his siblings, needed somewhere private to fall apart. Emma knew she would never get him to agree to disappear with her somewhere, even if they had somewhere they could go.

A loud cracking sound startled Emma, and she felt Julian flinch against her. Her mind was slow to process the sound as being sound of a portal opening. Fear made her heart beat faster, and she glanced down at Julian, wide-eyed. Few people would come by a portal to see them and even fewer that would bring good news. Judging from the sound, she guessed the portal had opened in the main living space. Julian started to pull himself up, and she helped him to his feet, ignoring his half-hearted protests. She pulled his arm across her shoulders and nearly sighed with relief when he leaned against her, allowing her to support him as they made their way towards their unexpected guests.

A child's yell echoed from the room into the hallway, causing Julian to tense. But the sound was different than the shouts of grief that had been echoing through the Institute for the past week. This sound was full of joy and followed by quiet laughter as a familiar voice gently admonished the child. Emma felt the relief through her whole body as they pushed through the doors.

Alec and Magnus stood in the room, Max hanging off of Alec's arm as he lifted him, Raphael standing next to him, trying to hide the small smile on his face at his brother's antics. They were like a breath of fresh air entering the institute, though Emma could see the strain at their edges. Magnus looked slightly pale, more tired than usual, and Alec's eyes were rimmed with exhaustion. Even though the haze of combined grief she was living in, Emma could see the weight of the same emotion in Alec's eyes, the loss of his father looming over him.

"Why are you here?" Julian asked, his voice sounding hollow as he pulled away from Emma.

Julian was still unsteady, and Emma wanted to reach out, put her hand on his arm or back to ground him, but she could tell that he didn't want that. Not in front of Alec and Magnus, so she clenched her fist at her side and shadowed him as he tried to casually walk towards a table to lean against.

"We thought you might need some help," Magnus replied. Emma could see the empathy in his eyes. In fact, there was so much pain and grief in his eyes as he looked between Emma and Julian that Emma felt her eyes well up and had to look away. Magnus was immortal, and the thought of all the people he had lost and would continue to lose throughout his life staggered Emma. One day, Magnus would watch Alec die and have to go on living without him. The thought of losing Julian, of him dying, completely wrecked Emma. She pushed the thought away quickly. There was no life beyond Julian's, and she refused to think of the possibility that one day their might have to be.

"Um, we brought some stuff that you might need. Stuff that might help a bit," Alec's voice cut through the heavy silence. Emma realized that they all had been silent for some time, the thickness of grief filling the room without any of them realizing. Emma pulled her eyes from the floor and back to Jules, who was supporting himself with his hand on the table. His eyes were scarily blank and empty as he stared at Alec and Magnus. She wasn't quite sure if he was even seeing them.

"Thanks," Emma said, unable to pull her eyes from Julian. She wasn't sure if she wanted their guest to hurry and leave or to stay forever. It was nice having other people in the house that they trusted, but it also felt strange, like anyone outside of the Emma and Blackthorns shouldn't be inside during this painful time.

A pitiful sounding laugh came from Julian, "What could possibly help us?"

Magnus hadn't taken his eyes from Julian. "I brought potions that can help with malnourishment and dehydration. And some calming balms as well among other things."

"Ty can't even hold down water; I doubt he'd be able to drink a potion." Julian's voice was flat and bitter. Emma had never heard him sound like that before, so defeated. Anxiety flared in her chest.

"The calming balm can be applied topically. It might help Ty drink something; he doesn't have to get down much to help," Alec interjected. "He will still need to eat and drink, but these potions will help his body stay strong for a while even without much else."

"I don't know if I can get him to agree to anything. He can't even handle runes…" Julian's voice trailed off, and it took a few moments for him to start speaking again. "I don't want to do anything to him that he doesn't want. I don't want to sedate him or anything."

"It won't sedate him, just soothe him and help him stay calm," Magnus responded. "It might make it easier for him to at least drink a potion and some water."

"I've used it, I have it on me now," Alec interjected. "We've used it on Max and Raphael in smaller doses when they've had nightmares. It's safe."

"It's not just that. You don't know the situation." Julian's voice sounded hard and angry, his jaw tense.

"I don't know you're family that well. That's true, but I know what it's like to lose a younger sibling. I know what it's like to blame yourself and feel completely and utterly lost and nothing will ever be okay again."

Julian's eyes widened, and the tension in his jaw softened. Emma remembered at that moment that Alec had lost his brother Max in the Dark War. That Sebastion had killed him when Alec was at the Gard. If anyone could begin to understand what the Blackthorns were going through it would be Alec. He had turned away, and she could feel him trying to compose himself.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, still unable to look at Magnus and Alec.

"It's alright," Alec responded, gently. Magnus put his hand on Alec's shoulder, and Alec naturally leaned into his touch, glancing at him with such love and unspoken connection that Emma felt she should look away. An unexpected surge of anger went through her at their easy display of affection. Her and Julian would never be able to do that. Not while they were parabatai.

Suddenly, the door to the living area burst open and the tiny figure darted past Emma and ran over to Max and Raphael. Tavvy was nearly jumping with excitement at seeing his friends, who separated themselves from their parents and hugged the little Blackthorn. Emma found herself smiling at the reunion of the little kids, realizing how much they all needed this. Tavvy would get to be a regular kid for a bit and enjoy being around other kids his age.

Raphael separated from the other two boys, smiling at someone behind Emma. Emma turned to see Christina walking towards them. She must have realized who was here and brought Tavvy down. Emma hoped that she could feel her thankfulness as Raphael went over to hug her and chat excitedly in Spanish.

"We'll stay for awhile," Alec said hesitantly as if unsure how Julian would react. "to let the kids play together."

Tavvy ran up to Julian and grabbed his hand. Emma watched as Julian tried to focus, tried to seem like the stable and controlled parental figure that his sibling expected, "Can we play in the library? Please, Jules?"

Julian took a few seconds to answer, and Emma could see his jaw clench as he fought for composure. Luckily, Tavvy was young and didn't seem to notice his older brother was about to fall apart. "Yes, but someone has to watch you…"

"I can watch them," Christina interjected. "I really don't mind."

The kids cheered and ran over to Christina, practically pulling her from the room in their haste. Christina glanced back and waved toward Magnus and Alec, before meeting Emma's eyes with a sad, worried smile. Thank you, Emma mouthed. Christina just nodded and glanced between her and Jules in concern.

"Julian," Magnus started. "We also came to give you and Emma a break. We thought that maybe-"

"No. I can't leave them," Julian interrupted.

"You wouldn't be leaving your family. I'd just portal you somewhere safe, to give you a few moments alone and then you would come right back here." Magnus's voice was soft and gentle, though there was an underlying firmness to it that made Emma think of talking someone back from the edge of the cliff.

"Jules, I think we should listen to Magnus. You need-"

"No. You've seen Ty. What would happen if I wasn't here when he has another meltdown? Dru hasn't moved from her room, and I have to check on her. Mark and Helen can't handle all this without me."

"Julian," Emma started reaching out to him. She placed her hand on his shoulder, but it was like she wasn't even there. His eyes were cloudy, and he continued talking like she hadn't spoken.

"Then I have to make sure everyone's drinking. They need to drink water, or they'll get sick. Who's going to tell them to drink? I need to be here with them right now. Not anywhere else. I need-"

"Julian!" Emma half-yelled, shaking him slightly to knock him out of trance-like state.

He blinked a few times before his eyes focused on her. A muscle jumped in his jaw and Emma wanted to throw her arms around him, but he stood unyielding under her touch. Her hand on his shoulder felt as if grasping a statue. "Everything is falling apart. Everyone is in pieces."

Emma's breath caught at the hopelessness in Julian's voice. She had never seen him look so lost and helpless. "Let them help us. Please, Jules. You need it; you can't keep going on like this."

Julian still looked reluctant, but eventually relented under Emma's gaze. Julian turned to Magnus and Alec, consenting. "If anything happens come get me right away. Right. Away. Promise me that."

"I promise," Magnus replied solemnly.

Julian nodded, and Magnus started making a portal, Alec grasping his arm worriedly as the magic began to swirl in the air. The enormity of what the couple was doing for them hit Emma at that moment. Magnus had been sick for a while, his magic draining him much more than usual, but he still portaled his family here. He was risking his health, something neither him nor Alec took lightly, so that Julian could grieve in peace with Emma by his side.

Emma felt her eyes well up again, but blinked the water away, pushing the feelings back. Julian needed her right now. Once the portal was fully formed, Emma stepped forward, pulling Jules with her. He stumbled slightly, and Emma steadied him, locking their elbows together as he swayed. "Hold on to him," Magnus whispered, as he brushed past Emma and onto Julian's other side. Emma didn't realize what he meant by that, but she wasn't planning on letting go of Jules anyway, so she didn't question. "Let's go," Magnus said, grabbing Julian's other arm as they stepped forward.

Going through a portal was never a pleasant experience. It was strange and disorienting and nauseating. Emma realized as the peculiar, dizzying feeling took over why Magnus had told her to hold on to Julian. Julian who was already unsteady, completely collapsed as they stepped through the portal and into the new space. She felt Julian's knees buckle and managed to support some of his weight along with Magnus to lower him to the ground.

He was pale and gasping, doubled over on the ground of the space. Emma was too focused on Jules to really notice where they were, but eventually, awareness slid into her mind, along with an eerie sense of familiarity. She glanced around. They were at the cottage. The same cottage Emma had admitted to Julian that she loved him, that she had always loved him. The same cottage they had given in and relearned each other's bodies. The thought of her hands against the smooth muscles of Julian's chest sent a shiver through her. Everything was just how they had left it. Teacups and dishes still on the table and countertops. The bed a tangle of blankets. Did Magnus really have to bring them here of all places?

"Really?" Emma asked sardonically, turning to Magnus.

"There's nowhere else private and warded as heavily. This was the only safe place I could think of. If my magic was better, I could've-"

"It's okay," Emma interrupted. Magnus already seemed exhausted from opening the portal, and he was risking so much helping them. She felt bad for even questioning him, seeing the earnest look on his face. "Really. Just, thank you. For helping us."

Magnus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Julian suddenly lurched upward, startling Emma, as he stumbled towards the bathroom. She could hear him heaving and winced at the sound. She never wanted to take away someone else's pain as much as she did Julian's at that moment. She turned to follow, but Magnus stopped her. "I'm leaving some of these potions here. This is the topical balm for calming, and both of you should drink one of these vials. These tablets help with sleep, though that's up to you how you use them. I think he needs rest whether he thinks so or not, both of you do."

Emma nodded, half-listening as Magnus continued.

"And Emma?" The severe tone of Magnus's voice caused Emma to give him her full attention, despite her need to get to Jules.

"Yeah?"

"No runes."

"Okay," Emma replied, solemnly.

"Keep the phone with you so we can call if anything happens," Magnus finished, as he opened another portal and stepped through.

The cottage seemed quieter now that she knew it was just her and Jules. Emma took a deep breath, centering herself, and walked towards the half-closed bathroom door. She wasn't sure what she was expecting when she walked in, but it wasn't Julian vomiting blood. Her heart skipped as she slid to her knees next to him.

"By the Angel, Jules…"

"It's okay," Julian gasped, spitting blood. "It's from where I bit my lip and tongue when Ty-" Julian's breath caught as turned to dry heave again. Emma watched feeling helpless as his muscles tightened and spasmed, her hand running up and down his back. She hadn't really gotten a good look at him until now. She could see where his lip had already swelled; the skin was cracked and raw. His tongue seemed swollen and clumsy as he stood and rinsed his mouth in the sink, the water pink as he spits. Emma stayed by his side, holding onto his arm too tight. Some part of her felt like if she didn't hold on to him, he'd disappear somewhere she couldn't follow.

Her other hand instinctively reached for her stele. An iratze would fix him right up, but it wasn't a luxury they had right now. It was strange for Emma to think of runes as something that was a luxury to them. Shadowhunter's were so tied to runes, their whole lives marked in thin scars across their skin. Instead, she put her hand against the parabatai rune on Julian's shoulder. It was the only way she could think to let Julian now she was here, really here with him. Feeling his pain, sharing it, willing to take the burden from him for as long as he would let her. The irony of the parabatai rune being the root of their problems as well as the solution was not lost on Emma. Despite all the harm it was causing them, Emma could admit to herself how afraid she was of losing this connection to Jules. It was a part of her as much as her skin, a part of both of them tied together by something stronger than either. She'd never tell Julian, but she was nearly as terrified of breaking the parabatai rune as she was of losing Jules because of it.

Julian's breathing had begun to calm, though he was still bracing himself over the sink. His eyes slid to meet Emma's in the mirror when he felt her hand press against the rune on his shoulder. Slowly, he shifted his weight to one arm, lifting his other and reaching behind his back, covering Emma's hand tightly with his own. Julian glanced sideways at Emma and Emma watched his face in the mirror and knew all at once that he understood. He understood exactly what she meant without her having to say anything at all. The look on his face and the feeling of finally being connected to Julian again after weeks of agony nearly brought tears to her eyes. She clenched her jaw and bit the inside of her cheek for a second until the feeling passed. This wasn't about her right now.

Gently she moved her hand farther up his shoulder, his hand gliding with hers. She turned him to face her and allowed herself to really look at him. His eyes were dark and bloodshot, his face gaunt and pale, the red, cracked skin on his lip standing out in stark contrast to his drawn features. She briefly wondered how he could still look so beautiful and so heartbreakingly shattered at the same time. She didn't give either of them time to think as she removed her hand from his and closed the space between them. Pressing her head against his chest and properly holding him for the first time since his sister had died. For the first time in what felt like a long time.

She could feel the tension in his muscles, the rapid beat of his heart against her ear, the choppy rise and fall of his chest as his body worked for each breath. His arms came around her, tightening across her back, one hand sliding upwards to tangle in her hair and cradle her head.

"Emma," Julian sighed, leaning into her embrace.

They stayed silent for a few moments, just holding each other. Though Emma felt connected to Julian for the first time in a while, she didn't know what to say to him. How to breach the loss and stress he was under. She wasn't sure how her presence would ever be enough to help him overcome this. She had been there for him when he lost his mom, then his father and siblings, telling him he could do anything and listening to him through his panic and nightmares. Honestly, she hadn't been sure of herself then either, but she knew that if they were together, they could get through anything. They were parabatai. Julian had even stood by her through her obsessive need to find out what really happened to her parents. She never doubted him or their bond. Now though, she wasn't so sure. How could she help him through the death of his younger sister? How could she be enough to get him through his grief and that of all his siblings?

Even with her overwhelming uncertainty, she couldn't imagine being away from Julian. She couldn't fathom a world without him in it or a world where they were irrevocably bonded. Though she wasn't sure what she could do for Julian, short of being there for him, she knew she'd try anything if it would help him out the slightest bit.

"I don't think I can do this, Emma." Julian's voice was barely a whisper, his breath moving her hair. "I can't get everyone through this. I can't get myself through this."

"You can, Jules. I don't know how, but we will get through this. You're not alone."

Julian's breath caught, and Emma could feel him start to shake. His arms tightened around her, his fingertips digging into her back. She knew that all the tiny cracks in his armor were coming to light, all that was shielding him from his grief was shattering. He lowered his head to her shoulder, and she could feel the wetness of his tears, but she knew this was only the beginning. Julian had been holding himself together ever since he rejoined his siblings at the Gard. He'd been putting his family before himself, and she had been watching as each day wore him down more and more. He needed to let himself go, and she intended to be there to pull him back after the implosion.

"Emma, I…I don't…" Julian's voice was thick with emotion as he stumbled over what to say. Emma pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes. "You don't have to say anything, Jules. It's okay. Just…Just feel what you need to. It's alright."

She could see the pain on his face, the unshed tears in his sea-green eyes. She reached up and cupped his jaw in her hand. "It's just me here, Jules."

Julian's face crumpled as the first sob built up in his body; then he was clinging to Emma, gasping for breath as he succumbed to the tears. Emma knew there was nothing to be said, no words could comfort him now, so instead, she just held him, rubbing her hand up and down his back, as he cried against her. He was trembling so hard that she worried he wouldn't be able to stand much longer, so she gently coaxed him from the bathroom, his arm slung around her shoulder as she supported most of his weight, and led him to the bed. Julian nearly collapsed onto the bed but pulled himself up a bit to sit on the edge with Emma.

Emma sat next to him as he crumpled forward, sobbing quietly. She gently guided his face to her, wiping his tears away with her thumbs. She could tell Julian had something to say, that he was trying to get ahold of himself to speak, so she sat with him patiently until he was calm enough.

"Did you hear what Ty said? When he had his breakdown, he said I should have saved her. He blames me and he should. The kids are my responsibility. Livvy-" The words tumbled out of Julian, but he had to pause at Livvy's name. Emma wanted to interrupt, to stop him. Her chest hurt from the amount of pain he was in, his words causing her heart to break for him, but she could tell there was more he needed to say. "Livvy was my responsibility. I don't know how Ty will ever come back from this. They've never even been apart, and Ty is so particular about things. Only she could calm him down. What if Ty never recovers from this? What if none of us do? What if Ty-"

"Julian, stop," Emma kept her voice stern, cutting through Julian's mantra. "You need to calm down." Julian's breathing had become erratic and shallow, and he started to double over. She recognized the signs of panic attack, she had talked him through them before, but this seemed different. This panic attack seemed way more intense than his previous ones. She wasn't sure if that was even possible, but she felt like his grief and panic were filling the space and suffocating them both.

"Julian, lay back, try to take a deep breath," Emma tried to coach Julian's breathing as he weakly swung his legs onto the bed, curling up into a near fetal position, but his breathing remained shallow, his breaths coming too fast. Emma felt panic rising in her as Julian gasped beside her. His already pale skin seemed to have taken on a grayish tone, and his eyes seemed to be losing focus. She tried to get him to breath into his hands or even into the blanket, but he looked beyond being able to get control. Part of her felt that he didn't want control, that he wanted to lose consciousness even though he had to feel like hell. She pushed the thought away, telling herself it was ridiculous, while she jumped off the bed, looking for anything to help.

She saw the stuff Magnus had left them on the table and practically lunged for it. She remembered him saying something about a calming balm. She wasn't sure it would be strong enough to stop a full-on panic attack, but she didn't have any other options. Luckily, Magnus had left little notes explaining what each thing was, knowing that Emma hadn't paid close attention. She silently thanked him in her head and grabbed the calming balm, twisting the cap off with such force it cracked.

She nearly jumped back onto the bed next to Jules; his body looked slack and small in the bed. She swore his lips looked blue as his eyes began to roll back into his head. His breathing was still labored, slowing only slightly as he started to lose consciousness, though picking back up each time he became more alert. She had never seen a panic attack like this one and terror settled in her bones as she plunged her hand into the balm. The coolness of gel-like substance grounded her, and since she didn't know exactly what to do with it, she moved the collar of Julian's shirt and began massaging the balm into the tense muscles of his right shoulder. She could feel the point of his shoulder blade through his skin, a shocking reminder of how much weight he had lost, though she didn't let herself dwell on it just yet. Instead, she methodically massaged his shoulder and ran her hand down his back, rubbing until the balm had wholly absorbed into his skin.

The balm seemed to work reasonably quickly, as Julian's breathing began to stabilize soon after it was applied, but Emma could feel the weight of each second. When Julian was calmer, she prodded him onto his stomach, and so she could easily reach his back. She slid her hands under his shirt, kneading the calming gel into his stiff muscles, trying not to think about the last time they were in this bed together. Instead, she focused on how fragile Julian felt beneath her hands. She could practically feel the ridges of his spine and another bolt of worry shot through her. Keep it together, she told herself angrily. She needed to be strong for Julian right now; she couldn't let her fear or panic or grief get in the way.

"Sorry," Julian mumbled, breaking through the trance-like state Emma was in. She came back to herself and realized she was still rubbing Julian's back, though Julian was significantly calmer now and breathing normally.

"There's nothing to apologize for, Jules," Emma said as she laid on her side, facing him. Laying like this reminded her of when they were much younger. Sharing beds when neither of them could sleep or stand to be alone. Whispering to each other all night long. She desperately wished things were still like that now.

She stared into Julian's eyes, taking him in as he stared back. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his face drawn with exhaustion, his swollen lip standing out in stark contrast to his pale skin. She tried to think of the last time she saw Julian eat something and couldn't think of when that could have been. "I should get back," Julian whispered, it seemed like it took all his strength just to speak. "but I don't know if I can."

Emma's heart twisted, and she reached for his hand. "I think you need to give yourself a little more time."

Julian sighed, his eyes falling closed for a brief second before focusing on her. Emma felt like she was laying next to a powder keg, any spark sure to set it off. She wondered if she should keep her mouth shut and let him be. Not say anything and hope that the little bit of emotion and panic he got out would be enough, but she couldn't seem to do that. She had to tell him what she was thinking. Honestly, she felt he needed to hear it.

"Jules, Ty didn't mean what he said. He's panicked and overwhelmed. You're the only one that's been able to help him these past few days. He's going to get through this. Just like we all will because we have each other. I know you think what happened to Livvy was your fault, that everything that happens to your siblings is your fault, but it's not, Jules. It's really really not. None of this is your fault, Julien."

Emma didn't break eye contact with Jules as she said what she needed to, squeezing his hand. A muscle twitched in Julian's jaw as she spoke and when she was done his eyes shut tight. She could feel him fighting back the emotion, likely not wanting to lose control again, but she could tell it was different this time. He needed to break down, entirely and without panic. She slid herself closer to him, pressing her body against his and guiding his head to her chest as tears silently slipped over the bridge of his nose.

"Livvy's dead," Julian gasped. "My baby, my sister, is dead."

Emma could feel the words break him, and he completely shattered against her. His sobs seemed to come from deep within him, tearing their way out of his chest. The sound was so raw that Emma felt tears well in her eyes, a few silently sliding down her cheeks as she ran her fingers through Julian's hair. She remembered standing next to Julian at his mother's funeral, holding his hand as he cried. She remembered thinking that it seemed like the tears were being pulled from him by hooks deep within his chest. The sound was so stricken that Emma was sure it was the most heartbreaking sound she could ever hear. But the sounds he was making now were even worse. She had never heard anyone sound as broken as Julian did at that moment.

It wasn't like Ty's primal, out of control grief, that felt like knives raking through your heart and tearing into your brain. Julian's sobs sounded like pure and utter devastation like his heart and soul were shattering. Emma held her breath, pushing the sound of his pain to the back of her mind, so she didn't break with him. Instead, she stayed still and let Julian cling to her like a child, his head pressed against her chest, arms draped across her middle, legs tangled with hers as he shook with grief.

Emma didn't speak as Julian broke down, knowing there weren't words to comfort him and that he was so lost in his pain he wouldn't be able to process anything. Instead, she ran her hand through his hair, down his back, over his shoulder, squeezing slightly when a particularly intense tremor racked him. She recognized when panic started to grip him again, and he tried to pull away, she gently led him back down against her, settling his head in the crook of her neck and whispering that it was okay as his sobs quieted against her.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed by the time Julian had cried himself out. He lay limp and exhausted against her, his body still trembling with the aftershocks of such an intense emotional release. He was already draped over her, but it didn't seem close enough to her. Emma found herself wanting to wrap her body around him, cocooning him in her embrace and protecting him from all this. Instant, she tilted he face up to look at her. He complied at the slightest touch of her hand under his chin, and she gently wiped away the tear tracks under his eyes and across his cheeks. His face was splotchy and lined with grief and fatigue, but his eyes, though red and puffy, seemed a bit clearer. A little of the weight he was carrying released with the emotion.

Emma's chest felt tight, and she couldn't quite identify all she was feeling. The pain in Julian's face, the pain from him she had just witnessed, her grief over Livvy's death, the shape of Julian's lips, how they looked so large and soft in his vulnerable face. She never wanted to kiss him more. She'd only have to move a little bit to close the space between them. She found herself instinctually leaning forward, but was saved when Julian turned away, coughing to clear his throat.

"Emma…" his voice was thick and raspy. The sound seemed painful, and Emma instantly cut him off.

"No talking yet. Just relax," Emma whispered, her hand cupping his face and ruffling his hair. She started to pull away, and Julian's arm tightened around her. "It's okay. I'm just going to see what Magnus left us and get you something to drink."

Julian nodded slightly, letting Emma untangle herself from him and slide out of bed. Emma walked over to the table and started looking through the vials and jars Magnus had left. Thankfully, Magnus had labeled everything and left notes as to what each thing was since Emma had only been half listening when Magnus had been explaining each item. She grabbed an assortment of things, including something that was wrapped up in a small box, and climbed back into the bed with Julian.

"You think you can drink one of these?" Emma asked, holding up a vial of blue liquid that Magnus had labeled as being hydrating and nutritious.

Julian nodded, trying to clear his throat again as he sniffled. She opened the vial and handed it to him, opening another for herself. She watched Julian drink, feeling an almost maternal need to make sure he got sustenance, before drinking hers.

"You really should try to sleep." She knew they would need to get back soon, but she really hoped she could convince Julian to sleep even if it was just for an hour.

"I can't," Julian rasped out. "Every time I close my eyes I see…I see that day. And I can't stop hearing Ty screaming in my head. Whenever I fall asleep, I wake up in a panic minutes later."

The honesty made Emma's heart constrict, and it took her a few moments before she could catch her breath enough to respond. "Magnus left something that helps with sleep. I think you should take some; I'll stay awake in case anything happens."

"The kids!" Julian exclaimed, suddenly coming back to reality. "I should get back. They might need me."

Julian shifted himself over Emma and stood next to the bed, despite Emma's protest. He was already ghostly pale, but any color he had left seemed to drain from his face as he stood, leaving him swaying and leaning against the bed for support. Emma shot up and balanced him against her, ignoring his weak protest and forcing him to lay back down. While he was catching his breath, Emma found the cell phone hidden in the blankets of the bed and checked the messages. There was nothing from the Magnus or Alec, which she took as a good sign, and sent a quick text asking how everyone was and if they had time for Julian to get some uninterrupted sleep.

Alec replied quickly with detailed messages which Emma relayed to Julian, who was lying with his arm over his eyes on the bed. Helen and Aline were with Dru, but now Dru was hanging out with Christina and the kids. Alec and Magnus managed to rouse Ty enough to speak to him, and he agreed to the calming balm. After he was calmer, Alec talked to him and got him to drink - and keep down - one of the potions and something to help him sleep, which was what he was doing now, with Kit watching over him. The only thing Alec said about Mark was that he was alright and since Emma believed Alec wouldn't lie, she didn't feel the need to question and neither did Julian.

"Alec says you have time to sleep, and he wants to know if it's okay if his family spends the night at the Institute. He says the kids keep asking."

"Of course they can stay. It's probably good for Tavvy to have some kids his own age around," Julian mumbled, but Emma could understand every word. The benefit of growing up and being best friends with someone meant that you could usually make out what would be incoherent to others.

Emma was sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to Julian as she typed out her reply to Alec when she felt the bed shift. Julian's hand closed around her arm, and she twisted to look at him. Her breath caught in her chest as her eyes met his. He was looking at her with such raw vulnerability, a hundred emotions shining in his sea green eyes. After months of a wall between them, after years of hiding how they really felt for each other, this moment was the most open she had ever seen him. She put the phone aside, not breaking eye contact, and let him pull her down on the bed until they were laying on their sides facing each other.

"Emma, I don't know what to say to that properly conveys how much you mean to me," Julian started, his voice barely louder than a whisper in the silence of the cottage. "I don't know how I'm going to keep going after everything that's happened, but right now all I can think about is you. I couldn't live without you. I _can't_ live without you."

Emma felt her eyes fill with tears, and the lump in her throat threatened to choke her, but she didn't want to break down now. Julian still needed her strength, so she bit the inside of her cheek hard and let her eyes fall shut until the feeling passed.

"You know I can't live without you either. You're a part of me as much as being a Shadowhunter. You're in my blood. I need you, Julian. I need you so much it's terrifying." Emma couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth. It must have been a combination of Julian's honesty and her own out of control emotions that let her speak what she'd been holding back so easily.

Julian's eyes widened fractionally, his lips pulling up at the corners slightly, "I don't deserve you."

Before Emma could respond, Julian closed the space between them; his lips gently pressed against hers. Shock paralyzed Emma's body, she felt like a statue next to the warmth radiating from him. His lips were so soft, just as she imagined them, just as she remembered them.

"Everything's wrong, Emma. My life, our family's life, none of it will ever be the same. I know this is wrong, but you're the only thing that feels right. I want to kiss you, to feel you. All of you." Julian was still so close that she could feel his breath against her face as he spoke, practically feel his lips moving with the words against hers. Any control she thought she had snapped.

She slammed her lips against his, letting her arms go around him. She couldn't get him close enough, and he was pulling her towards him like she was his lifeline. Emma parted her lips and Julian instantly deepened the kiss, their tongues intertwining, breathing each other in like they were suffocating. Emma twisted so that she was on top of Julian, straddling him. She felt like all her nerves were on fire, the tightness in her chest easing as she gave into the feel of Julian under her. His body as familiar to her own. His hands found their way to her hair, easily pulling out the braid so that her long blonde hair fell in a curtain around them.

Emma poured her sadness and panic into the kiss, and she could feel Julian doing the same. The edge of desperation as they pulled at each other's clothes. Though there was more than just their combined overwhelming grief and confusion, there was love and a sense of complete understanding. Emma didn't let herself think as the rest of their clothes fell away and she moved on top of Julian. She knew they'd regret this later, that this could only make everything worse, but for the first time since Livvy died, she felt they maybe could get through this. She could feel Julian sharing the feeling, that he needed this as much as her, needed this connection and this reminder that they were still alive.

Eventually, she collapsed on top of him, as Julian seemed to sink deeper into the mattress, they're breathing labored. Emma didn't want this moment to end. She could almost believe that this was months ago, when they had lain in this same bed, so in love, without knowing the consequences brought on by the parabatai bond. She could almost make herself believe they'd come home in the morning to the Blackthorn family intact. For now, she let herself hold Julian and let herself be held by him. Both of them coming to the unspoken agreement to stay in their little bubble a while longer. Julian's hand ran sleepily up and down her arm; he didn't seem able to stop touching her. She felt herself relaxing, exhaustion taking over, just as she felt his fingers tracing letters against her skin. She made herself concentrate, deciphering the words he was spelling out: I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U.


End file.
